Well have you ever been the most sorted person in the whole wide world with the best ideas and arguments to put forward, the one people look at when they want someone to listen to them, someone who’ll give them possibly the best advice ever. I’m that person. The shoulder to lean on, the one who listens to you with pure heart, no hesitations and judgements. I’ve always felt so at par with my inner energy so in sync with everything happening around, completely in control of my mind and emotions but lately I feel like I’m drowning and there’s no way I can swim my way to top. No way that I’ll survive and make it to the top, no way I’ll be fine. I don’t know where I am going I don’t know what will happen next, I’m not in control anymore. I don’t know.
The thoughts that wander makes me wonder what is the silver lining of being borderline happy?
I’m living on the edge, the edge of almost being content and almost being unhappy.
It’s somewhere in between; in between the satin sheets of my bed that comfort me more than people I surround myself with, in between the sunrise and sunset that marks the beginning and end of a day as I thank god that the day is over.
This feeling is worse than feeling a single emotion as I feel everything too much, too soon, altogether. It’s a cocktail of good and the bad, happy and the sad. A cocktail I’m slowly sipping on while asking for a little valium to fuck it all up even more potently.
Because living off the edge is way assuring than living on the edge.
I’ve never felt the need to connote my “gender” with my interpersonal relationships. I have never felt the need to mark my friendships, relationships or mere affinity based on one being a man or a woman. I mean come on it’s 2018 and no one is reinforcing regressive ideas about women but wait here is where we go wrong.
After subjecting myself to the “worldview” of me I realised that my character, my worth, my values are questionable and in shambles. What is really funny is that this worldview comes from people who’re “educated”, exposed to “supposed” good environment, the “millennial gen” who’re beyond all the regressive thinking who’re more than just a man or a woman.
Society shapes our value, education refines our value, but here the latter failed.
It is interesting that a woman’s kindness and openness is connoted as a loosely ill charactered trait and a woman of opinion and if I may say, strong opinion is taken as a foul mouthed woman who should mind her own business and not get in to man’s role and then comes to “baggage” that women carry and men don’t (in Indian society context MAJOORLY) is how many relationships a woman has had, her intimacy with men that tells greatly about her than her knowledge, her wisdom and everything she stands for.
I’m sorry I cannot reinforce your idea of good character in to my value system because you’re everything I don’t stand for. It’s suffocating yet empowering to know I somehow shatter your glass ceiling and you can call me by all the names but here I’ll still rise and build an empire with my strength, knowledge and open mind and heart.
Tu dhoop hai tu chaanv bhi hai
Tu chalte paani mein thehre hue naav bhi hai
Tu chalte chalte tham si jaate hai
Haste haste tere aankhein nam si jate hai
Kya bojh lekar ghar se nikli hai tu
Bin par ke fatfatati titli hai tu
Kuch adhoore si hai zindagi ki kitab mein teri khushiyo ka hissa
Kya likha hai haathon ki gehri lakeeron mein tere jeewan ka kissa
I write when I am sad, I write when I’m upset or angry. I write to vent out my emotions.
I’ve tried to write in my happy bubbly mood so many times but, I always fail. I end up writing a line and then reading, re-reading it, editing it and god knows what not.
Maybe I’ve seen writing not an art but a way to deal with my emotions trying to tie down bits and pieces of my vulnerabilities. I cannot contain in to words my merrier days but I can articulate my sadness with all the ease and finesse.
It has been the loooongest pause on wordpress and it’s not because I’m not overwhelmed with emotions one day or another; I’m still a wreck somedays and a happy treat another but what I witness in my journey on being here is how I’ve evolved as an individual.
I’ve grown from being too dissolved in my negative emotions leading to panic attacks to being comfortable with these thoughts and approaching them with reason and emotion in a constructive manner. Life is a gift and we just need to accept the darkness to actually work towards coming out in search of light.
It’s when I accepted that I’m scared of heights, I actually got the strength to look down from the mountain cliff without screaming.
No, I did not just took a free fall but I took a step towards my greatest fear and it felt better than where I started from.
Everyday life is a struggle for each one of us. Everyone fighting a battle of their own.
We fall a hundred times and still don’t rise like we’ve been told by great writers, we fall each time, slowly crawling back to our shell from where we were trying to break free. Every step closer to fighting our demons is another battle altogether; Am I supposed to be giving all my blood and sweat to a cause that seems lost, am I supposed to put in my beliefs in to something that has really less chances of happening statistically but hey few people have succeeded. Am I not supposed to give up?
We all have the answers, we still weep ourselves all night long, staying up and speculating the things that might happen or might never happen.
The solution is persistence, the solution is believing in the cause no matter what “statistics” or “studies” tell you, you’ve to put all that belief from the universe of your heart and soul and put it into your cause; if today you won’t, you might not have a tomorrow to look forward to.
I believe in my cause more than ever, stronger and more affirm than I ever was.
Will you be too??
“How does it feel to be at ease and relaxed”, she asked.
I stood there, listening to her, hearing each and every spoken word, looking at a distant place and said, “I’ll tell you when I start to flow like the ocean, with it’s stability and calmness, flowing with the ease that it does but right now I’m the roaring sea; tides pushing off the landmass and destabilising everything that comes in it way.”
She looked at me and shook her head in disbelief, ” Can you talk like a normal person for once!’
I just smiled, bid her goodbye and started walking away with the question still ringing in my mind how does it feel to be at ease?
The last time I was at ease with everything going around me, I don’t even remember that!! The chaos, the anxiety, the pain took a toll on me and everything around me.
The sea flooded the land, destroyed the very fabric of the settlement and took away the debris of the marginalised remains of its voyage.
The sea didn’t stop there, it kept changing it’s path and moving and breaking new tides, restlessly trying to make it’s way back home but it couldn’t; the paths were changed and home was no more a home but a concept.
As much as the sea wanted to relax and watch the beautiful sunset like the ocean it couldn’t.
It was envious of the ocean, how it gets to be everything the sea yearns for.
Why can’t I have a simpler life like the ocean? I know it has been through different phases before reaching that point but when will my suffering end?
Every night, sea went to sleep with it’s low tides thinking about it and waking up realising it’s never going to be the way the sea wants it to be.
the sea accepted it’s fate, the fabric of it’s character and settled with that.
Chaos was it’s happiness, uncertainty was it’s ease, not being in control was it’s comfort zone and ocean was just a distant dream the sea yearned for quietly, knowing it will never be fulfilled.