Lingering Thoughts: Day 2 of Heartbreak.

Why the dark of the night brings with itself all the lingering thoughts you have been avoiding all day long ? The fears, insecurities, memories of your love lost all haunt you at the time you feel most alone and most vulnerable. I try my best to avoid this feeling all day long by watching some good movies or spending time with my mon but as soon as the night creeps in so does the thoughts. I spend all day feeling that I am okay, I will be fine. I did love him but we both were not meant to be together so I’m okay and will cope up with it all. I do reaffirm myself that there will be bouts of sorrow and tears every now and then but this is for the best…. BUT as soon as the beautiful starry night sky comes out in the open embracing me to open up and talk about all the pain I’m gracefully carrying. I mean why do I need to be graceful in sorrow and control my emotions when I know I feel like every bone in my body has been crushed and every limb has been broken up. We do live dual lives I feel. Goffman has very rightly said we’re 2 different people; one is on the front stage that is how we are in front of other people we put an act, like I do act normal and content all day long so no one can see what I’m going through and I almost have myself believing that I am fine. Then, there’s the back stage where we are in our vulnerable selves, where we can’t lie to our own self. We can put on a show all day long but the night sets in our hidden emotions in it’s most real self. It’s vulnerable, damaged yet so real and pure. I just hope I can fall asleep before the dawn sets in and stop pretending to be fine and eventually get to a place where I feel fine. Not today, not tomorrow, maybe not for a very long time but I’ll be fine (not for the Front Stage but for the backstage).

Day 1 of Heart break and I need to vent!!!

Kuch khwaab the jo toot gaye

Kuch log the jo choot gaye

Harr baar usko roka tha

Humare saath ka aakhri mauka tha…

Bass ab aur nahi me thaq chuka hoon

Pyaar mein apne nazro me girr chuka hoon

Yeh sunn kar mein tham gaye

Aansuon se aankhe namm gaye

Jiske aankho ka ghuroor ban na tha

Jiske jeewan ka fitoor ban na tha

Uske liye ab mein ek majboori the

Hum dono ke beech ab ek doori the

Tujhe rok loon ab woh mera haq nahi

Tere dil me chalte toofan pe mera bass nahi

Khafa hoon tujhse aaj tune jis qadar mera dil toda hai

Par ja tujhe maaf kiya ki tune khud se pyar karne ke aur rukh morha hai

English Translation- I’ll try to not lose all the essence in translation. Some dreams were broken. Some people were loston the way. I stopped him everytime. It was the last chance of us ending up together. I can’t take it anymore, I’m tired. I’ve fallen from my own eyes because of our love. When he said these words I just froze in the moment. Tears rolled down from my eyes. I wanted nothing more than to be the pride of his eyes, the passion in his life but I ended up being a burden on him. Suddenly, there was this distance building up between us. To stop you from leaving (like always) I don’t have that right anymore I feel. I can’t control the storm building up in your heart. I am angry and upset with you because you broke my heart today but I forgive you for at last you’ve turned to the road of self-love and self-discovery.

The world did stop !!

We all plan our lives all the time. Ever since we gain a sense of our presence in this world from kindergarten and even when we’re on our staircase to heaven we are planning what our future is gonna look like. As a 3 year old I couldn’t wait to grow up and become a teacher and after a week a doctor maybe. As years went by the planning was more concrete like reaching the middle school, using pens instead of pencils followed by going to high school and getting a distinction, getting into a good college and travelling the world so far and so forth. Well I’m 25. I was on the verge of completing my masters in Sociology in May but well it’s on hold as of now. I have the whole blueprint of what my life is gonna look like right in my mind in my socially constructed reality and so does anybody I come across with. We’re brought up in a competitive world, if you are not going to plan and manifest your place in this worldview you are going to be left behind and the world is not going to wait for you. But wait… let’s take a moment..

The world did stop. The world has stopped. While walking on the terrace of my home, listening to Lana Del Rey and looking at the sky, oh so clear. I can even see some mountain ranges that I’ve never seen from my terrace I just had a realisation that no matter how much you plan, foresee your manifestations, you can’t fight the nature. The beautiful nature that we’ve deconstructed, destroyed and manipulated according to our convenience and our desires. The human-nature interaction has been dominated by human greed rather than an empathetic attitude of our beings towards what we all come from the NATURE and now we all are at a standstill. Our lives are at a halt. It doesn’t matter if you’re the Superpower at the moment (USA) or a booming developing country (China, India). From the macro to the micro, from nations to it’s people, we as a global community striving for making it through, competing at the world level are at a halt.

I believe this is the time to focus on what is right in front of us than planning and mapping what our lives should look like. We didn’t plan a pandemic in fucki*ng 2020 but it’s the reality. What we need is a paradigm shift in human-nature interaction and to be more empathetic and nurturing towards our own species being and our beautiful nature. Life is at a halt and let’s reframe our perspectives to a newer way of living, where we come together as a community helping each other and stand by each other. The world did stop, let this be a start where instead of tearing down each other we uplift each other. Instead of living carelessly and spending carelessly we’re conscious of the choices we make.

Sending love to whosoever is reading this. We are all in this together. Let’s stay home and stay safe. ❤️

Broken screen

With a broken phone screen and a broken heart I sit on the couch wondering what’s heavier the amount I’ll have to spend on getting the screen fixed, my dearest phone who I’ve held so tight and protected always or the tears and sleepless nights I’ll have to spend crying and holding my breath hoping to stop feeling this pain. What will weigh me down?? The money I’ll have to spend to get the screen fixed or the whole emotional labor of losing the one true love I’ll ever have.

I don’t know !!

Well have you ever been the most sorted person in the whole wide world with the best ideas and arguments to put forward, the one people look at when they want someone to listen to them, someone who’ll give them possibly the best advice ever. I’m that person. The shoulder to lean on, the one who listens to you with pure heart, no hesitations and judgements. I’ve always felt so at par with my inner energy so in sync with everything happening around, completely in control of my mind and emotions but lately I feel like I’m drowning and there’s no way I can swim my way to top. No way that I’ll survive and make it to the top, no way I’ll be fine. I don’t know where I am going I don’t know what will happen next, I’m not in control anymore. I don’t know.

On the edge of it !!

The thoughts that wander makes me wonder what is the silver lining of being borderline happy?

I’m living on the edge, the edge of almost being content and almost being unhappy.

It’s somewhere in between; in between the satin sheets of my bed that comfort me more than people I surround myself with, in between the sunrise and sunset that marks the beginning and end of a day as I thank god that the day is over.

This feeling is worse than feeling a single emotion as I feel everything too much, too soon, altogether. It’s a cocktail of good and the bad, happy and the sad. A cocktail I’m slowly sipping on while asking for a little valium to fuck it all up even more potently.

Because living off the edge is way assuring than living on the edge.

I needed to say it

I’ve never felt the need to connote my “gender” with my interpersonal relationships. I have never felt the need to mark my friendships, relationships or mere affinity based on one being a man or a woman. I mean come on it’s 2018 and no one is reinforcing regressive ideas about women but wait here is where we go wrong.

After subjecting myself to the “worldview” of me I realised that my character, my worth, my values are questionable and in shambles. What is really funny is that this worldview comes from people who’re “educated”, exposed to “supposed” good environment, the “millennial gen” who’re beyond all the regressive thinking who’re more than just a man or a woman.

Society shapes our value, education refines our value, but here the latter failed.

It is interesting that a woman’s kindness and openness is connoted as a loosely ill charactered trait and a woman of opinion and if I may say, strong opinion is taken as a foul mouthed woman who should mind her own business and not get in to man’s role and then comes to “baggage” that women carry and men don’t (in Indian society context MAJOORLY) is how many relationships a woman has had, her intimacy with men that tells greatly about her than her knowledge, her wisdom and everything she stands for.

I’m sorry I cannot reinforce your idea of good character in to my value system because you’re everything I don’t stand for. It’s suffocating yet empowering to know I somehow shatter your glass ceiling and you can call me by all the names but here I’ll still rise and build an empire with my strength, knowledge and open mind and heart.

Kuch adhoore se

Tu dhoop hai tu chaanv bhi hai

Tu chalte paani mein thehre hue naav bhi hai

Tu chalte chalte tham si jaate hai

Haste haste tere aankhein nam si jate hai

Kya bojh lekar ghar se nikli hai tu

Bin par ke fatfatati titli hai tu

Kuch adhoore si hai zindagi ki kitab mein teri khushiyo ka hissa

Kya likha hai haathon ki gehri lakeeron mein tere jeewan ka kissa