With a broken phone screen and a broken heart I sit on the couch wondering what’s heavier the amount I’ll have to spend on getting the screen fixed, my dearest phone who I’ve held so tight and protected always or the tears and sleepless nights I’ll have to spend crying and holding my breath hoping to stop feeling this pain. What will weigh me down?? The money I’ll have to spend to get the screen fixed or the whole emotional labor of losing the one true love I’ll ever have.
Well have you ever been the most sorted person in the whole wide world with the best ideas and arguments to put forward, the one people look at when they want someone to listen to them, someone who’ll give them possibly the best advice ever. I’m that person. The shoulder to lean on, the one who listens to you with pure heart, no hesitations and judgements. I’ve always felt so at par with my inner energy so in sync with everything happening around, completely in control of my mind and emotions but lately I feel like I’m drowning and there’s no way I can swim my way to top. No way that I’ll survive and make it to the top, no way I’ll be fine. I don’t know where I am going I don’t know what will happen next, I’m not in control anymore. I don’t know.
The thoughts that wander makes me wonder what is the silver lining of being borderline happy?
I’m living on the edge, the edge of almost being content and almost being unhappy.
It’s somewhere in between; in between the satin sheets of my bed that comfort me more than people I surround myself with, in between the sunrise and sunset that marks the beginning and end of a day as I thank god that the day is over.
This feeling is worse than feeling a single emotion as I feel everything too much, too soon, altogether. It’s a cocktail of good and the bad, happy and the sad. A cocktail I’m slowly sipping on while asking for a little valium to fuck it all up even more potently.
Because living off the edge is way assuring than living on the edge.
I’ve never felt the need to connote my “gender” with my interpersonal relationships. I have never felt the need to mark my friendships, relationships or mere affinity based on one being a man or a woman. I mean come on it’s 2018 and no one is reinforcing regressive ideas about women but wait here is where we go wrong.
After subjecting myself to the “worldview” of me I realised that my character, my worth, my values are questionable and in shambles. What is really funny is that this worldview comes from people who’re “educated”, exposed to “supposed” good environment, the “millennial gen” who’re beyond all the regressive thinking who’re more than just a man or a woman.
Society shapes our value, education refines our value, but here the latter failed.
It is interesting that a woman’s kindness and openness is connoted as a loosely ill charactered trait and a woman of opinion and if I may say, strong opinion is taken as a foul mouthed woman who should mind her own business and not get in to man’s role and then comes to “baggage” that women carry and men don’t (in Indian society context MAJOORLY) is how many relationships a woman has had, her intimacy with men that tells greatly about her than her knowledge, her wisdom and everything she stands for.
I’m sorry I cannot reinforce your idea of good character in to my value system because you’re everything I don’t stand for. It’s suffocating yet empowering to know I somehow shatter your glass ceiling and you can call me by all the names but here I’ll still rise and build an empire with my strength, knowledge and open mind and heart.
Tu dhoop hai tu chaanv bhi hai
Tu chalte paani mein thehre hue naav bhi hai
Tu chalte chalte tham si jaate hai
Haste haste tere aankhein nam si jate hai
Kya bojh lekar ghar se nikli hai tu
Bin par ke fatfatati titli hai tu
Kuch adhoore si hai zindagi ki kitab mein teri khushiyo ka hissa
Kya likha hai haathon ki gehri lakeeron mein tere jeewan ka kissa
I write when I am sad, I write when I’m upset or angry. I write to vent out my emotions.
I’ve tried to write in my happy bubbly mood so many times but, I always fail. I end up writing a line and then reading, re-reading it, editing it and god knows what not.
Maybe I’ve seen writing not an art but a way to deal with my emotions trying to tie down bits and pieces of my vulnerabilities. I cannot contain in to words my merrier days but I can articulate my sadness with all the ease and finesse.
It has been the loooongest pause on wordpress and it’s not because I’m not overwhelmed with emotions one day or another; I’m still a wreck somedays and a happy treat another but what I witness in my journey on being here is how I’ve evolved as an individual.
I’ve grown from being too dissolved in my negative emotions leading to panic attacks to being comfortable with these thoughts and approaching them with reason and emotion in a constructive manner. Life is a gift and we just need to accept the darkness to actually work towards coming out in search of light.
It’s when I accepted that I’m scared of heights, I actually got the strength to look down from the mountain cliff without screaming.
No, I did not just took a free fall but I took a step towards my greatest fear and it felt better than where I started from.